Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
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[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Beauty and the Beast
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”