Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
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The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
sir, my pâté if you please
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT