If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
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me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I feel seen.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Trying
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.