Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
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My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.