My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
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Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Krampus.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans