To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
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And they lived apathetically ever after.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.