You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
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Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.