Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
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Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper