trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
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Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope