ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
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me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.