1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
You Might Also Like
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.