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$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.