I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
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My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
#inspiration #foodforthought
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
grotesque if literal: baby food
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.