Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
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Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]