[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
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I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
…żyje?
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep