GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
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“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
God, I love Scotland
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.