Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
You Might Also Like
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?