“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
You Might Also Like
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?