Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
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me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks