The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
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Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
spicy snake
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.