[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
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I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Yup!
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes