Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
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Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2