My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
You Might Also Like
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.