Don’t forget to tip your server
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Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND