How I like cutting carbs
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Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
no their not
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?