Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
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[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!