*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
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SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*