Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
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my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.