I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
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Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Yoga Matt
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?