Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
it is time once again
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I hope this email finds you in a well
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.