*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
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Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Monday?
No. Next question.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*