Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
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“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
me as a parent
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say