Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
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im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Damn what did I do next
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Livid.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.