Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
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Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Doormats are a gateway rug.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
We are the people our parents warned us about.