sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
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[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I am having an out of money experience.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
spicy snake
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.