Yup.
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Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
#catsoftwitter
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.