When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
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Sunday
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Good Morning.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.