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[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
WTF
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.