I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
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Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
good for her
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age