retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
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Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
“I FIXED IT!”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.