If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
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[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready