literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
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When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.