[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
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Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch