The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
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My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me