I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
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You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”