my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
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People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price