‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
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A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.