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If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
my astrological sign is a french fry
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
reminder
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.