Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
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i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
incredible text to wake up to
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.