My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
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Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB